50 cent dating joan rivers updating instant rails

10 Feb

Amongst all of her success, Joan’s most joyous triumph was being a mother and grandmother. Miss Rivers is, after all, 235 years old, and frequently mistakes her daughter, Melissa, for the actor Laurence Fishburne.

This diary was written to the best of Joan Rivers’s memory. Miss Rivers wrote this diary as a comedic tome, not unlike Saving Private Ryan or The Bell Jar.

This place is kind of like Downton Abbey with sombreros. .”I’m trying to forgive Bambi; it’s been such a long friendship. I have to complain about my long-distance bill to Private Jimmy, who lost his face, ass and limbs in Tora Bora.

Last night I got an eight-hour pedicure from Maria while resting my feet on her “brother,” Jose, who was crouched over like a footstool. I knew her way back when she was still Bernice, before the electrolysis, the implants, the Restylane and the glass eye that almost works. She turned the day her husband, Ernie, a prominent Long Island orthodontist, left her for a fifty-three-year-old Little League coach/Boy Scout leader with a severe overbite. “I’m sorry you’re a torso on a dolly, Private First Class Jimmy, but does that mean for the rest of my life I have to pay an extra for data roaming?

Anyhow, this is a new book for a new year and I’m feeling great. JANUARY 3Dear Diary: Trouble started today with AT&T. It obviously stands for Always Terrible Transmission.

To celebrate, I got matching vagina piercings with my two best girlfriends, Margie Stern and Brucey Jenner. On the spur of the moment, Melissa, Cooper and I decided to fly down here, and we were right: It’s a perfect way to ring in the New Year—great resort, private beach and plenty of servants who’ll do anything for a thirty-cent tip. I tried to call the States and couldn’t, so I called AT&T about my international phone service, which sucks more than Monica Lewinsky under a White House desk, and I got a recording that told me “a disabled war veteran will answer your call.” Great.

I let him switch positions every two hours so he wouldn’t cramp and, more importantly, so Maria wouldn’t slip and accidentally paint my ankles dusty coral. Until this we were friends, but to compare me to Anne Frank? ”What do you say when they hit you with “a disabled vet will try to give you a hand”? ” I hate being put in awkward positions, like the utter disappointment I felt after I did a benefit performance for thalidomide adults and no one applauded.

Unfortunately I can’t take credit for the position-switching thing; I got the idea by watching Amistad on cable last week. To this day I’m not sure whether the silence was because they couldn’t clap or because they didn’t like me.

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This morning when I woke up and looked out my window, there was Conchita, out in the field threshing wheat so that her “brother,” Juan, would be able to make me toast for my morning breakfast. JANUARY 4Dear Diary: Something about Anne Frank’s story kept bothering me and I finally figured out what.I then try to make sure I’m not stuck sitting next to some chatty asshole. I have six Ambien and an intentionally open purse filled with Massengill, Vagisil, Preparation H, a copy of my will, and books on Amelia Earhart and Pan Am Flight 103’s surprise landing in Lockerbie.JANUARY 8Dear Diary: One last thing about Anne Frank’s diary that was bothering me: the Nazis—and their sloppy work ethic.When her daughter Melissa gives her a diary for Christmas, at first Joan is horrified—who the hell does Melissa think she is? But as Joan, being both beautiful and introspective, begins to record her day-to-day musings, she realizes she has a lot to say. For the first time in a century, a diary by someone that’s actually worth reading.Comedienne, Emmy Award–winning TV host, Tony-nominated actress, Grammy-winner (for her audiobook of Diary of a Mad Diva) and CEO, Joan Rivers was an icon of American culture, a bestselling author, Celebrity Apprentice winner, writer, producer, director, and savvy businesswoman who overcame great odds to reinvent herself time and time again. Network’s popular series Fashion Police, and starred with her daughter, Melissa, in their own weekly reality show, Joan and Melissa: Joan Knows Best? Her critically acclaimed documentary, Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work premiered in theaters nationwide and is available on DVD.